It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed