Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁