If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”