Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
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[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.