No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
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My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!