i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
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Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.