BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
You Might Also Like
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?