Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
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Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.