Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
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I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“Why you watching this shit?”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH