My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
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kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place