You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
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My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
こいつ天才
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.