Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Seas the day!!!!
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.