Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
#Caturday
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I have so many questions.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.