Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
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My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
got so much cardio in today
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!