Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
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Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.