send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
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When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”