Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
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2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.