everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work