Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
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” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime