me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
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Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.