Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
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Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
#CatsOnTwitter
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*