Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
This did not end as expected.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..