Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
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I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
just make the entire table out of coaster
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*