If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
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If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
The funk soul brother
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.