You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.