A customer told me they were never coming back….
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Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.