When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
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If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”