If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
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I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
ready to be harvested
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up