Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
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Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator