Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
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Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.