You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
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Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Going to church you guys need anything
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.