My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
accurate
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.