“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
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detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
so, is there a mister shapen head
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
RT if you could go either way.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.