Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
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On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Ah..makes sense now
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
True
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.