This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
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*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.