NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
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Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
👾👾👾
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I just ran a .003048K
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened