I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
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My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason