Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!