If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
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My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.