[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
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Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue