Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
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Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist