Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Go hard or stay average