I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
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Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Am I having a stroke?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark