Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
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When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….