I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
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You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
why I oughta
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.