there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
LOL
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.