I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.