GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
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I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops