[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.