Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
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Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes